


User Support

by Cactaceae28



Series: Idle Conversations [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Holodeck Malfunctions, Holodecks/Holosuites, Humor, Trektober 2020, aka the most unreliable piece of Federation technology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27137095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cactaceae28/pseuds/Cactaceae28
Summary: A normal stardate in the office for the people of user support at Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment.
Series: Idle Conversations [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962691
Comments: 25
Kudos: 24
Collections: Trektober 2020





	User Support

**Author's Note:**

> For Trektober 2020 Day 21: Holodeck

“This is Ashley, from Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment, how can I help you?”

_“kkdifjh’hgf ldjh oa’iuhdg ddd digj’guu’h?”_

“Your universal translator seems to be malfunctioning. Here’s some relaxing music while the computer compensates.”

\-----

“Good day, my name is Ibai from Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment _._ What can I do for you at this time?”

_“I, huh, the barista went crazy! Out of nowhere, I swear, she just tried to murder me with a kitchen knife and she drew blood before I managed to stun her! Get me out of here!”_

“What is your current location?”

_“Piazza San Marco, in the Carnival.”_

“Thank you sir, but I need to know your server to localize the issue, please.”

_“U.S.S Eames, holodeck 4.”_

“Are you affiliated with Starfleet, sir?”

_“Uh, yes? I’m a lieutenant?”_

“Under our current user agreements, Starfleet officers are not entitled to assistance, exchanges or refunds for any and all of the following causes: spontaneous failure of security safeguards; spontaneous sentience within the program; damages due to previously unknown spores, gravity wells, dark holes, time-space displacements or any other unexplained space anomalies. Please refer to your closest Starfleet engineer to solve any of these, or other issues.”

_“I, huh… I might have dropped a cappuccino on the controls to the archway?”_

“That is also not covered by the warranty. Have a good day. Good luck.”

\-----

“You are being attended by Amri, this is Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. How may I help?”

_“I quit.”_

“For the last time Vic, you can’t quit. You are a hologram.”

\-----

“Hello, I am Rikkki, you have reached Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. What is your issue?”

_“Help… please…”_

“Ma’am?”

_“This escape room is impossible! We have been staring at the same safe for six hours and Jerry won’t let anyone leave until we crack it. Please, have mercy on our souls and give me the code, my legs are killing me!”_

“Have you considered making better friends?”

_“That won’t get me out of here! It’s Prison on Io XXVIII, Gold Edition, Leftmost Room. I’m begging you!”_

“The code is 2739-blue.”

_“We already tried that! Two hours ago!”_

“That is the code. However, the Gold Edition had a glitch in the success notice. The pilot may stay red even after the correct code is introduced, but the mechanism would unlatch regardless.”

_“So… the door was open… this whole time? Jerry!!”_

“Would you like to upgrade to the Latinum edition?

\-----

“You have reached Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment, this is John speaking, what is the problem?”

_“Listen… uummm… I might have tried to… tweak the code of my wife’s Austen retellings and uh… how do I restore the clothes?”_

“First, I remind you that Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment is not responsible for malfunctions that occur due to user tampering. Now, to reset the program try the following—”

\-----

“Good day, this is Yamato. You’ve reached Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment, what is your issue?”

“ _A double of me materialized in the holosuite? Like, when there wasn’t a program running?”_

“Are you affiliated with Starfleet?”

_“No, I run a bar on Mizan V. But, well, there were some lads on shore leave from the Saratoga, I think maybe they used it last, now that you mention it.”_

“Have you filled form seventeen-A-six-delta for added insurance in case of manipulation by Starfleet officers of your facility?”

_“I, I’m not sure. Listen, can I turn this off? He’s really creeping me out.”_

“If you can’t determine the holoprogram’s sentience, turning it off may result in legal action being taken against you, sir. I will redirect you to Starfleet’s external IT department on Utopia Planitia for further instructions.”

\-----

“Good afternoon, this is Violet, Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. How may we help you today?”

_“…Hi Violet, how did your crotchet meeting go last month?”_

“Mr. Barclay, it’s been a long time! Oh, as usual, you know how it is. What seems to be the problem this time?"

\-----

“You have contacted user support for a product downloaded from Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. I am Silek. State your query.”

“ _Oh God, Flotter is dead!! He’s dead!! He evaporated, oh my God, Suzie stop crying please…”_

“That is within the parameters of the program. You must find the logical course to bring him back according to the natural cycle of water.”

_“What?! What kind of messed up company are you people running? The package said six and up!”_

“I do not ‘run’ Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. I am not in charge of the publicity, labelling or cautionary messages of Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment’s products.”

_“I don’t give a damn, I want you to_ fix _this! Suzie love, no, calm down, your Dad is going to kill me…”_

“If you are concerned about a possible attempt on your life, I may refer you to the corresponding authorities for protection.”

_“I want you to bring that damn water thing back!”_

“As I said, you must deduce the logical course of action to bring the being known as Flotter back.”

_“Aaaaggh!”_

\-----

“Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment, Ramona speaking. How can I help you?”

_“Holo-what? Listen demon, and listen well: we have your summoner. We won’t let you bring Eternal Winter back, hear? We’ll use force if we have to.”_

“That is above my pay-grade. Please hold while I get a demon from a Higher Realm to address your concerns and grant the boons you desire.”

\-----

“You are speaking to Lilliani from Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment, what is your question?”

_“I DID IT!”_

“Excuse me?”

_“I. Have Oficially. Completed the full run of Zelda’s Journey of the Triforce. I’ve done it! I have all the stupid ghosts’ lanterns! I have all the hearts! I have all the horses! I AM THE MASTER SWORDSMAN!”_

“Miss, this is a user support line, not a forum.”

_“I have binged fifty hours straight in this holosuite! I haven’t bathed at all!”_

“… Are you feeling okay, Miss?”

_“I am now! This will get me infinite bragging rights when break’s over. I’m thinking of putting it on my Academy application letter.”_

“… I have worked here for four years and my advice is: stay away from Starfleet.”

\-----

“You are speaking to K’tra from Holo-Fun for Family and Friends Entertainment. What seems to be the problem?”

_“Um… the characters have frozen up? How do I fix this?”_

“Have you tried exiting and entering the holodeck again?”

\-----

“So, how was your day today?”

“The usual. Yours?”

“Eh, same old. Give me a lift home?”

“Sure thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you thought :D


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